Four Keys to Active Listening

As B was explaining a problem at work, I was behaving in a typical male fashion by trying to solve the problem. She stopped me and said, "You're not listening like a girl."

Though the relationship eventually ended for other reasons, you can bet I learned to listen like a girl. And it was hard work.

Active listening is usually defined briefly as "listening for meaning." It requires more than semantic skills and information processing. Active listening is an attitude.

The First Key: Disinterested Attention
This attitude can be summed up in the phrase "disinterested attention." This means that while you're actively listening, you're disinterested in scoring points in the conversation or presenting your point of view until it's appropriate and helpful (or perhaps even asked for). You're interested in the other person and what they're trying to communicate.

Notice that I said "disinterested" and not "uninterested." We all find it very difficult to be uninterested in our selves, our status, and our feelings. But you can actively set that interest to the side and in fact you must if you're going to actively listen.

When you're providing disinterested attention, you're more focused on the other person and you care about extracting the meaning from the stream of words on their side of the conversation.

Your reason for being in business is to solve problems for your customers. (Hah! You thought it was to make money.) Unless you understand what's causing them pain and what their goals are, you're going to miss the mark. Learn to listen like a girl and you'll win them over while having more fun in your job.

This does not mean you have to agree with the other person. You may violently disagree with them. But you must listen disinterestedly if you want to get the meaning, which may be very different from the actual words they're using.

The Second Key: Ask Questions
Remember that most people find it difficult to be articulate. You don't have to be a mind reader. You'll ask more questions when you're actively listening. Finding meaning requires more input than you can get from the first words the other person offers. The more questions you ask, the clearer the meaning becomes.

This is a technique used by therapists in an effort to assist clients to clarify their own thoughts and feelings to themselves. It's very helpful and reduces the other person's anxiety, helping build trust. Because the therapist is also disinterested, in that the client's feelings are not about them, they can easily ask illuminating questions.

The Third Key: Tone and Body Language
Pay attention to body language. In emotionally charged conversations, you may need to acknowledge what you observe. Letting the other person know that they seem angry or frustrated or sad can open the door to underlying meaning in the conversation that would remain hidden if they fear that those emotions would be unacceptable.

With customers and clients, this is a powerful way to gain their trust. The tone of voice and body language a client uses to talk about their business may lead you to ask questions that reveal a problem that you're well-qualified to help them with.

The Fourth Key: Validation
Repeat the other person's statements back to them. It affirms that they're being heard. You don't have to use the phrase, "What I hear you saying is..." but use some phrasing that effectively lets the other person know you understand what they're trying to say.

Be Authentic
Sometimes a motivation for active listening may prevent you from being successful at it, especially in business and especially for men. That's not a criticism of men, as I am one and happen to think many of them are wonderful human beings. But men are socialized to listen in different ways than women are. They tend to be formulating a reasoned response as they listen, often missing meaning. In some situations this is a benefit but it's often a curse.

If you approach active listening as a tactic, you're already losing focus. You have to be authentic in your interest. You have to help them articulate and clarify by asking questions.

If you want customers and clients that remain with you for years, actively listen to them. It takes practice and it is work, even when you get good at it. But those customers and clients who get this treatment from you are the ones who will still be there through price increases and changes in their business. Give it a try.

About the Author

Brian V. Hunt spent more than a decade as a senior writer at Microsoft. He's an SEO copywriter, performs search engine optimization, is a senior copywriter, and writes sell sheets for clients at B2B corporations and commercial web sites. Get more tips from him on writing for the web and SEO at http://brianvhunt.com.